Black Boots by Due

Wore my boots today, black and sleek
Silver buckle on the side they tap and clank on the shinny school hallways

“Mize “R” teach me that step!”
I click and stomp and bang the rhythm out
They click and stomp and bang the rhythm out

O red branches outside the window
See the Goethals bridge the landing planes the huge container cranes
Here low voices whispered on the stairs “Bloods and Crypts take out 30 women this year”

I jump out of bed some nights   fall on the floor and pray…bring me back to life help me to stem the blood flowing from my heart.
held my  hands up to my face at the sound, the voices flashing out of the car stereo. the notes speeding, moving forward..the crescendo!  Fly out! fly fast. out the windshield!  fly smack wind whip up onto the overpass up then and out pass the looming water towers pass the bricks, skimming the concrete  past the exits, past the turnoffs onto the vast panorama of factories, bridges, parking lots, billboards—-THEN-
SKY! 
Here!
even here!
Sky, vast huge as far as the eye can see,  Sky!
 
“Tosca et tu!”

Boots
Had a real girlfriend, well almost… once
Went to a restaurant, a movie, a symphony
Held hands, kissed,
Nothing then…then nothing…but boots…she gave me boots, black.
Thick, bang, clunk. here! 
Boots! Black!

Black Boots!

LAST WEEK:Spin and Twirl

 I am so totally confused I want to fly away somewhere, fast forward out of this dopey situation, but then I’d still be me, right? I’ll still have the same runaway brain and mixed up heart

    I’d like to spin myself with centrifugal force so that all the doubts and questions can fly off me, and I’ll be purified and can begin again.

      I know I’m naive, it’s like I came to this realization/awakening, whatever, after having  been alone for so long, and that was tough enough. But now to face myself and deal with, dare I say it, being gay,   or worse homosexuality,  or the worst– Le, Les Lesbi…o can’t write it either….!

      And “Coming out?” Ha! ME telling people about my private personal life!  What? since when is my pussy public? and who cares really! I don’t care what other people’s thoughts and acts are …please! I don’t want to know, why should I suddenly be in a position to have to blab or confess these sorts of things about myself?  

        Then at the heart of things for me is navigating in this new life. There are things in life you can control and then there are others you just can’t so you’re left with that and figuring out the difference.

My problem is

 a. I have so little in reserve. And

 b. I have little experience

Like a truck has hit me.  What had begun as fantasy, and progressed to a personal exploration, became forays into a real world; a real world I didn’t anticipate would be fraught with uncertainty, missteps and just plain heartache!

      The disproportionate amount of questions, confusion and even heartache to get through to an infinitesimal amount of joy, or even just a little bit of satisfaction, or just plain feeling whole or myself again.

      Yea I know it’s all the human condition, we are all alone, and those moments of connection are few and maybe even illusory.  heck how many people fall in and out of love so many times and yet each  relationship they are convinced that it is for real, and extraordinary…until it’s not.

     And sure I know that, yeah, I should know better and not have expectations or hope.  yet of course I do I wouldn’t’ be human if I didn’t

 And it’s not living unless you do try and make connections…right?

     But it’s been a dangerous dance on a tightrope above a nest of snakes. A long time to be suspended on tip toe, exposed and foolish…

    Despite my cute costumes, pretty hair, lipstick, the help of a balance stick, witty remarks, I’m  teetering, swaying, making a fool of myself, up there alone and about to falter and crash, or leap off of my own volition and end it—go back home where it’s safe. Stop, climb down  before I do fall and make a complete spectacle of myself!

   “Ladies and gentleman,  in the center ring…announcing …for your delight or disgust, for a laugh or derision, a snicker or a smile— a dyke, lezzie, lesbo, one of “them” queers…

                    Me?

“Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes!”

Changes I Have Made This Year….

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear….

Or when the teacher is ready the student will appear….

Or sometimes you teach yourself!”

So!  Talk about transitions and changes, then giving things time, or making things happen, then again going “within” not to mention: coming out!  Yikes! What a year…

.and now a feeling of suspension…as it I’ve done all of this stuff…some significant some minute, some successful, some…well, less than. AND STILL this NEW LIFE does not appear!

     I sank into the pity pit last week…thinking it may partially be hormonal as I’ve skipped my period this month and of course I am around the time for THE CHANGE…anyway I felt off balance and down, but the difference was there was no clear reason—or was it just hormonal… feel any different today? yes, but that’s cause I’m at work and my mind is basically engaged….well anyway when I expressed this feeling of ennui to Uno she made a list for me of all that I’ve accomplished this year and actually I was working on a list of my own so here it is

 1.Acknowledged to myself, that I’m bi sexual and interested in someday meeting a nice woman

2. Told my immediate family

3.Made a real friend (Uno)

4.Broken away from h and not feeling guilty or sorry for him

5. Gone “with in” (exploring a more spiritual side)

6. Experienced intimacy with a woman…nice, but I wish I was in love!

7. Made love to another woman who I think I could have loved but things went haywire!

8. Changed therapists from someone who seemed to disapprove of me to someone who understands…has been there and helps me to move forward

9.Gone dancing!!!! A Few TIMES!

10. Walk dogs three times a day all the way around the block, instead of just letting them out the back door into the yard.

11. Made important adjustment in my routine: one of the reasons I was always late for work is because I’m fixing my hair!…now I wake up and shower and dress first, then have coffee and walk the dogs…I know it’s boring but it is a big thing for me get together.

12. Take an  afternoon break, a “napitate” (half meditation, half nap) in afternoon to wind down from the day and reflect.

13.Cooking dinner.  I’ve been the typical mom cooking every night providing all the meals for my two kids, my sister, her baby and my h., (and dogs!)  In the past couple of years people are not often  satisfied, “this again” “it doesn’t taste like last time”  “you made too much”  “you didn’t make enough” “I’m not hungry” or they’re not home to eat…all this complaining and I’m literally cooking and crying.  So I decided not to cook anymore…or just a couple of times a week. They can order out, or cook for themselves!

14.Break a bit from the kids; not to take on their stuff and say yes to everything.

15. Exercising walking 2-4 miles most nights and 50 sit ups 50 leg crosses and a bunch of arm things.

  16. Being good to myself i.e. not scaring myself as much trying not to project disaster like worry about falling apart if certain things may not go my way, take things more in stride, give myself a break!

17.I have my own bedroom decorated the way I want, new floor, new color, new bed!

18.Have a new studio! (H’s old one!)

19.Facing things in a timelier manner…not procrastinating on things that mean a lot to me…I’m not there yet on this, but I am definetly better

20.Seeking out “teachers” writers and speakers that I can learn from who can help me to focus and hopefuly bring more clairty to my life.

  

To work on:

1. All of the above keep up and get better at.

2.  Resist blaming myself when things go wrong…even in personal relationships…I always think that things are my fault

3. Get over being such a baby about getting close to people…for instance everything is such a big deal to me…even a casual date…oh I’m always thinking this is it!  and if/when it’s not I’m really disappointed like the universe is against me and sending me unattractive people to torture me, and I’ll never find anyone nice!

4. Sex: not to make SUCH a big deal about that either…I’m such a dope about this too; thinking I don’t know what do, and the feeling that I’m…. how can I put it??? The feeling that I’m being untrue to myself by giving myself to someone  “in that way” and have it maybe not be forever…I know, I know…. I’m the last person in the world to continue to feel this way about sex! Which leads me to

5.  Change my attitude about experience…my therapist says over and over that “You’re very young, young in the world of L, young in the world of dating, young in the world period..”  Well she’s talking about experience!  I have so little! Truly I’m like one of the kids I teach! Only even most of them have more experience than I do!

6. Somehow I’ve got to do better getting myself to do things the optional stuff… like well anything other than going to work and walking the dogs…sometimes I get so scared I get tired, then retreat and of course then I don’t do the things I like to do so feel worse, or let things go and get into more trouble UGH!

 OK that’s about it…

Changes
David Bowie

“I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I’m going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time ”

Bowie

 

 

Tap! First Love

Miss Susanna’s School of Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Hawaiian, and Baton Twirling

 “Mom! The two twins! mom!  The twins. The twins from James Street are here!” 

  Miss Susanna squealed delightedly-- the little red headed twins had arrived.she knew us! how? she saw us!How? when she drove by our house and we were playing outside, the little twins now come to dance in her studio, her own studio late of the basement a real dance studio with wooden dance floor, wall mirror barre, piano, victrola, a front  room for changing and waiting, and a bathroom and the window to pay.  Walls lined with pictures of Susanna as a child looking just like Shirley Temple all golden curls close ups, then in costumes so many they ring  the entire room.  And her mother Mrs. Brogan little, wren, bird like glasses brown hair, brown pale face, tight curls, glasses on a string, high pitched voice.

   “Mom the little twins are here from James Street!”

    The click- clatter the sharp bell ringing the taps the taps! THE TAPS! the noise the sparkling black patent blinking in the light.  Here! Stamp!I’m here: stamp. stamp. stamp!I’m here. little girl. skinny legs. sweaty little feet. warm scent of leather and hot tap shoes, black shining, so black! Mirror shiny! Sharp taps, bell taps, ring! bling, ching! tap. tap. tap! gros grain ribbons, gros-grain ribbons got  to go across the street to the 5 and 10 and get black gros grain ribbons, snip. scissors. cut!tie in a bow on your shoes, just right, just pretty, so tight, so nice!  Ribbons tied in a black bow on top of tap rapping tapping ringing shoes. here girl, here. tap. Victrola, hum, scratch, warm, smells warm, music like on the TV!  like dancers on the TV! “Sweet Lorraine” tap toe tap twice on one foot, change, tap toe tap twice on the other foot, tap mirror see that one is me- that one is sister that one is Her! So big! So tall! Such red cheeks, she knows everything! she wants us! the twins from James Street.  oh giggle and wiggle and scrape along the wide wooden floor and dance and twirl in the mirror. Silver and tall and that one, that one is me!  

      Miss Susanna, teasing! tickling,

“shush!” 

giggle, more, no, no more. giggles. can’t stop!

“No lollipop!” little talkers! Chattering, “chatter boxes!, I’m going to get you! I’m going to get you , I’m going to tickle you! here I come!”

she does! O! little tickles then up, up and over and my face as red as my hai,r my hair like mommy’s mop on the floor, I’m hanging upside down I’m laughing I can’t catch my breath Miss Rosanna has me upside down, she’s laughing, I see myself in the big mirror upside down!

“I told you!  chatter box! little chatter box!”  my face as red as my hair, she has me in her arms I’m upside down in the big mirror. hair red. hair mop. mop girl, red face, music scrape stamp dance lollipop. am I bad? was I bad? no not bad,   pretty, pretty, pretty, and nice!

“the twins mommy! the twins from James Steet.here.. are here.. are here!"

  sweaty little feet, standing on the bench to pay at the window, shy. scary: Mrs. Brogan, sometimes nice, sometimes just grabs the money, her eyeglasses glitter on their chain on and off and on again,

“come on girls! hurry up girls!”

   Miss Susanna's School of Dance! 

 

 

 

 

Passing over Passover!

I’m in a quandry about the Passover holiday with my husband. For YEARS and YEARS I’ve been cooking Passover dinner for my Husband, his family, and all of his friends. Oye Ve! it’s a lot of work and a very tense time in our household.For YEARS my husband gets all stressed out over it, (although I do the majority of the work), and then he gets aggressive and mean. I literally think of him as cracking a whip on my back pressing me to, “Go! forward! onward!” like I’m some kind of workhorse. Actually now I come to think of it, he has referred to me as a “Sicilian mule” Ha!Then when the big day arrives there he is in his (I kid you not) old leisure suit at the head of the table like some potentate all pompous like instant “Rent a Rabbi,” directing people, presiding over the loooooong sevice. Same old jokes,(“And then the Israelites spread a broad! Ha Ha! get it? “Spread a broad!” ) ha ha ha.
Same old epiphanies, same old arguments about the Middle East.. ugh.

Meantime I’m the serving wench in the kitchen hauling out the homemade traditional food I’ve learned to cook for him, the matzaball soup, the timmez, chopped liver with black radish, kugle (two ways!), kasha and varnishkas…don’t ask! and I’m Italian Catholic!

Year before last we had this big blow up right on the morning of the event. He chased me around the house caused me to trip and he hit me. So a bit later I poured a pot of matzaball soup over his head,(it was cold) and ran away…where did I go? uh? I HAD NOWHERE TO GO!I drove to my grandparents cemetery, I’m named for them, I never met them. I found their grave and walked around then went home, showered, dressed up and served the dinner!

So now it’s Passover time again…last year, it fell a couple of months after I’d told him about my sexuality, I was feeling more and more that the wife role was over for me. I said I wasn’t going to do Passover, but then relented and did it anyway.

But this year I’ve gown so much, I’m so much more me and I don’t want the nonsense any more! My children consider themselves Italian Catholic, so it’s not as if it’s their tradition I’ll be forgoing, as I mentioned Passover was for him, his friends, and his children from a previous marriage. So I’m not going to do it this year…or should I?

I mentioned this to my therapist yesterday she said; “why would you want to do it? It’s a family tradition, but they change when there is divorce,” (we are at the beginning stages of divorce; husband has moved to a separate apartment in our home, I’m dating women).

Say WHAAATTT???? am I crazy? I just read this over, so I’m not doing Passover !     “du a nu!”  enough!

15 Years of Marriage. What is he thinking today?

The first time I mentioned my feelings of sexuality to him  truly thought he would always be my best friend and now I cannot stand to even look at him when he drops the children off. The court battle is horrible. If we could have only stopped at the first attorney and he would have listened and we could have gone to dinner and did everything in the best interest of the boys. I did not mean to hurt him. I really married my best friend, but it was the wrong thing to do because it only lead to years of frustration and issues for both of us because our marriage was a lie. What is he thinking today?

Whit

Thanks Pippy/Due

I had to have some space. I have to have time to heal without someone reading my words. This journey has taken me many places, but it has taken to an abusive relationship of which I have to fight to stay away from. I fell in love and I still wake up in the middle of the night crying for someon who called me fat, who did not care to share fun with me or find me sensual, she was not sensitive to my feelings and when I go back to a board where I called home and found support when I came out she constantly reads. I need my space at I heal. I have so many things going on now. My court battle is just beginning. He is paying no child support. My lawyer is going for no visitation because of racism. I have to give a deposition and account for many things.  I am a little scared and have no one. Just needed a safe place to vent. Whit

Snow Day!

Snow Day!

     I read the posts on the yahoo site Latebloomers, and also on the AJ site, what strikes me is the similarities of our stories, the confusion, the hurt, the yearnings, but most
importantly, the bravery!
    I was particularly moved by the posts about the eclipse which so
many of us either wanted to see, tried to see or saw…wherever! We 
are the moon, such a feminine symbol, and she brings us together.
We’re all over the world, looking up, honoring her during this
miraculous event and every night she’s constant.
   Then the post about meeting women, doing what’s right for YOU
keeping mind and soul together during this rite of passage, this life
altering time. What are we? Why this? Why now? What is the right
path to take??
    Even if we weren’t  grappling with our sexuality we’d still be
at a stage in our lives where most aware women are reevaluating, and
making changes, either physically or spiritually. Only we have a
double challenge.
    For me it’s certainly been both. I never was one much for out and
out personal reflection, or religion, too touchy feely for me. I’m
creative and the projects I work on have filled that spiritual place
for me always… the planning, working, bringing people together, then
that other thing that happens when when it all comes together—the
magic!
    But this year! life altering! It’s just about a year ago that I
told my h. about my feelings for women, and that I hoped to have a
relationship with one some day. I won’t go back into that
particular story…suffice it to say that this year has brought
challenges like none other…brought me to my knees emotionally, and
spiritually.
     I wanted to live, really live instead of just existing. I’ve
been on a tight rope, a high wire all this year; working out my identity,
rearranging my living situation, building a life away from my
husband, a disappointing “love affair” (with a women)…this has led me
toward another pursuit… what to call it without seeming
loony?….a spiritual path?
My best friend, Uno, another “late bloomer,” gave me an ipod last
spring, and on it she downloaded some spiritual audio books, along
with some music she knew I’d like. Of course I scoffed (inside)
about the spiritual stuff, but began to listen anyway. Slowly, as I
fought my way through this self imposed ring of fire I began to rely
on these “ipod people,” as I refer to them. They’re
spiritual/motivational/self help writers…Deepak Chopra, Louise
Hays, Wayne Dyer, sure you know them…
     Now I must say that I’m not an insensitive type, just wary of BS,
but I’ve been drawn to spirituality before, studied Zen in college,
always prayed to the Madonna and certain saints, (I’m Italian Roman
Catholic) But for me to seriously consider a book called “You Can
Heal Your Life” and then start to meditate! DA! That seemed
pathetic, and weird to me.
       However, after exhausting myself, my only friend, (Uno) 
(who “knows”) and my therapist, well I did take solace in just
hearing what these people had to tell me. In particular Louise Hay,
her voice, an older women, wise, practical, yet spiritual too. It
has helped me to face myself, and begin to work on myself creating a
world that is mine and right for me, as well as befriending myself.
      So as much as this year has been about coming to terms with my
sexuality, it has been so much more, it has led me to “go within” to
listen, read, meditate, find my true self.
     My GF who is very spiritual and in many ways my “dream girl”
has refused to see me anymore until I’m free from my husband. (I’d
thought that I could continue to live with him and our children, but
I’ve seen via my experience and experiences of others that this
usually does not work.)
     But even if after my divorce my girl is not interested in me,
there’s still someone who is “there for me” —-Me.
and that’s the greatest gift really…and the most hard won.
     So let the moon be our guide, she has many faces, seems to
actually disappear sometimes, yet always comes back, bright,
brilliant, full of promise!
I’m with her!

Dancing with the Stars!

    OK I know I should retitle this, “Dancing with the Lezzies”  So, went out last night to NYC for dinner and dancing with some women I’ve met on a web site, Ask Joanne.  One of the women, Ayziaka has been great about getting us together, we’ve met a couple of times before.  But this time it was outstanding as there were 10 of us, one even flew in from the midwest!

     I was relived to see so many attractive women…you know I’ve been having a problem with that, as the majority of the (admittedly few) L’s I’ve met have been butch and/or dowdy.  Sorry to say, hope I’m not being shallow or mean.  Anyway we were a lovely bunch and all obviouly thrilled to meet each other and not feel so alone in our “new lives.”

    So we shared a lot, danced and joked around, it was fun, fun, fun!  We hope to do it again…know that Ayzika or one of us will come up with something cool to do!

  I’m pretty sure I’ll be going to the weekend workshop in March that Joanne F. is offering…anyone else?

    So odd that all of this is happeneing as I’m seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow…had to find our tax recoeds and stuff to bring, whileI was looking for this stuff I came across the H’s journal…course I looked again…not for my eyes! horrible! calls me all sorts of names, then gets obsessive about how much he loves and adores me! EW! may I use the techincial term?  YUK!   all so stange and uncomfortable!  I need to take another shower after reading it.

  Enter Garbo!   “I Vant to be alone!”

Peace!

Pippy/Due/Lucia

    

Out growing the wife role??

Uno,

     So you were out with T. as his consort again?
then he launches into his shtick? poor Uno!
   Sounds like a similar situation with me and my
T….probably pretty much a syndrome of long
marriages comprised of powerful, yet socially
subordinate women married to powerful men. (yes Uno
YOU are powerful!)
   This time of our lives, we women, we’ve had it.
plain and simple.  we’ve done it!  all of it and over
and over again!
   I’m speaking for me of course, but thinking some or
most may resonate with you.
   I’ve been the help mate, listener, encourager,
mommy, cook, charming hostess, sex kitten, confidant, sounding board…all of it and many times over.
   Now it’s my time, MY TIME, and I’m bursting to live
it.  and I’m not talking any thing grand like I’m
gonna be famous or make some kind of extraordinary
break through, no, it’s just that i want to live for
me in my way, have my own thoughts without being
interrupted, or feeling guilty, or having to listen,
do, or say things I don’t want to…
   This is not just us, or me, you know…it’s a rite
of passage for women at our stage in
life…aware,awake women anyway.   Your Love may have
been the catalyst for you, my “realization” of my
sexuality, (bi or otherwise) was/is mine.
   We deserve to live our lives, it’s not selfish.
look at us! we are always doing things for others, or
we withdraw and do nothing. 
   Dee. you know, Dee I was trying to figure why she
was thrown in my path.  but here is a totally “I”
centered person, she always was only involved in
herself,  then i meet her, “me,”
   I’m not there, I’m only “there” in so far as I’m
creating or making something up, even the programs I
run…they were/are so that I can be around people.
to be around people in some meaningful way that I can
control and people will think well of me.
    I’m not going to demonizes Dee, and like you and your
reaction to your love,J., I’m resisting objectifying her.  all
the things that i can say about her in a negative
light were all the things that I tried to understand,
accept and love in a positive light just a little
while before.  She is what she is, and that’s that.
I’m grateful for the times we had, few and fleeting as
they were. 
  But I visualize her! HER LIFE! HER HOUSE! HERS! all
things her way!
  I  never understood why women of a certain age would bother to divorce…thought that it
was stupid to at their age destroy their place in
society by getting rid of the socially acceptable
marriage…I thought it better to at least close out
life as married rather than as a “loser” and divorced.
But now I’m seeing things differently.  I’m starting to
value by own time and peace of mind over what I think
the perceptions of society are.
    Tonight I saw a film on channel 13, just happened
to come upon it as I was lying there vegetating, and
feeling low and alone.  I recognized an actor friend
 a well respected NY actress.  It was a film about her, her family and in particular her son, who has Aspberger’s syndrome a rare form of autism.

   This was an independent film made by
her daughter and it was about the son who
has this condition.  He is very smart in some ways but
out to lunch when it comes to picking up social cues,
he just doesn’t quite “get it” and that gets him in
trouble with the world…anyway it was a wonderful
film and while I’d actually met this boy, and knew
that he had some sort of condition, well I didn’t
really know the extent of the problem and the
monumental challenge this family faces, (pretty
similar to what my younger sister goes through). anyway it was extraordinary on many levels and I knew T. was wacthing it also.
    After it was over I went downstairs to T’s apartment
to talk to him.  He no sooner begins to talk then he
launches into this puffed up stuff about the actress and all
the intrigue he had with her up at this prestious
theater company they were both a part
of…pontificating and shoring his ego up!  dropping
big names…  Blah, blah, blab!
   Oye!   I just couldn’t take it! he doesn’t even
stay on a subject before it’s all about him!And what
am I? his audience?  Really,I’ve had it! just
had it! not interested! let him find someone else, or
talk to the wall!
            Our time is coming…it’s actually here, just not
the really great part– YET!

xoxoxoxox
Due

*’When in doubt they decided  to let things
go a bit, believe, hope, dream, and let the Universe
show them the way.’ ( Book I, chapter 47, page 697,
line 5, Jouney of Two Souls)