Head Wound, a True Story
Dreamt like I shouldn’t….. having slept most of the afternoon away…dreamt that my Dad took the zucchini from my refrigerator, and put it in a casserole dish with all of the cream half and half, left over cheese any other bits of leftovers but didn’t put it in the oven. I was mad, that zucchini I was going to cook for the kid’s dinner! Then he ran out of my parent’s kitchen….
What was that!? I usually can lately take a nap without nightmares…what does that mean? Nothing…maybe nothing…
My dad beat me when I was little and as a teenager he beat me, I had to wear long sleeves to school in the hot weather so no one would see the bruises. Sometimes the outline welt of the belt buckle would be imprinted on my arms or thighs. “Only a spanking” spanking then… But they took such good care of us and my Dad in particular lived for the family….he had no friends outside of the family…that is, his brothers and sisters, and aunt and cousins, nieces and nephews all the family he was involved with all the time. Them over our house, him/us over theirs
He called me “Miss Nerves” I was nervous high strung…didn’t take him without a fight verbally then throwing things at him. Then telling him to, “hit me again! big man to hit a little girl”. All for some little infraction….something small like kids will do, make too much noise when he wanted to nap on Sunday his only day off. “He has no patience” my mom would say. He’d pick me up and throw me. I used to scream, and scream as hard as I could, hoping that someone would come to help me. My mother would go around and shut all the windows so no one would hear, still I thought someone must hear, someone should come and help me.
Once I wanted to see one of my favorite actresses on Merv Griffin but we all had to go food shopping they told me, they were waiting in the car for me…I had to see her! I was waiting for the commercial to be over he came into the TV room, picked me up and threw me. My head hit the corner of a wall and split opened then bled, my mother crying over and over “dear god! dear god” they took me to the hospital. I got stitches only three but it was deep. A kind nurse held my hand, white dress little nurses headpiece, she was so sweet and pleasant looking, calm and held my hand so tight…
“she fell into a wall, she tripped and fell into the corner of the wall between the living room and the T V room”
Her hand was so soft and smelled pretty. Afterward my mother bought me the expensive cookies I liked, not the store brand as usual but the elf brand pecan sandies, I sat in the back of the car my body relaxed after so much crying. My sisters looking at me with awe…she got stitches in her head! Me watching the lights in the street, now protected, special even, eating a pecan sandy. loved after all, a curious peace, a victory of sorts. Thought that it would be the last time I would be hit like that, now that I was sent to the hospital…it wasn’t.
The scent of the nurse’s hand still on mine; sweet, warm, safe, caring, her kindness, I always remembered.
My dream interpretation: Da! It doesn;t take a Freudian to figure out what the zucchini symbolizes….and then cream… boy the unconscious is embarrassing. Then not putting it in the “oven” how transparent….well no as far as I can tell I was never sexually abused by anyone, least of all my father. but I did feel a sexual threat from him. I think it was sheerly the fact that he was male, bigger than me and so close to me while he was hitting me. The physical contact of being hit, of someone touching your body, invading your space. also our house was small, we were all in close proximity to each other, my dad walked around a bit in his underwear, you know those briefs…as a teenager of course that was just too much, even just catching a glimpse of him now and again as he was on the way to the bathroom, or something…gross!
so after I showed this narrative to my husband, Uno, my GF and to my new therapist I went through an unsettling couple of days. It was as if i’d come to some realization, monumental to me, and not so to anyone else. Well of course not, I’m not so egocentric that I’d expect the world to stop and take notice of me. To stuff that happened decades ago. Even I didn’t really care about it anymore…I did in my twenties acknowledged that my childhood experiences were holding me back form really living then, but again that was so far in the past but now I have this dream so real and upsetting. and I write this things and expect some big response from people…but then I began to realize that what i was expecting was to be rescued! Still expecting that someone would hear and make it all better, wipe all the badness away and make it all better, and this is so much a part of how i operate now. I want things to be fair, i need to take care of people especially those people who really need help and arne’t getting it for some reason. Like I internalize it and make them me…identify so strongly that i feel if I save them, then I’ll save myself and won’t be the powerless little girl getting beat, screaming for help and no one comes.
and so what? what does it matter? I still feel small and sacred and alone…and like Carrie when she was all dressed up and they poured the bucket of pigs blood over her.
Shamed
A Maria Story
Maria reached into the pocket of her jacket to feel for her keys, good they were they there, hadn’t broken though and gotten lost in the lining of her coat. she was ready to go, she had had enough, she was tired and feeling guilty she’d spent so much time in the mall, looking, looking, looking for what? But which door had she come in from? the men’s department of some place, she hadn’t really noticed, hadn’t thought to take that second to anchor her whereabouts so that she could find her car and get home. She already tried the usual place where she would park at this mall, but no, not there, the second usual parking spot, not there either! She was lost! in the mall! “Dah!” she thought, ”great! “ Try to think again…which entrance had she come in from, a department store, she remembered…a store that began with the letter B? she thought so, OK once more around this way, all shining cold, sharp glass, marble, headless mannequins, 75% off! Store Wide Clearance! Where was it? a panic began to well up in her! I’m tired, tired and lost, ha! pathetic! There was an information kiosk up ahead, oh great she thought…what am I going to do ask this kid where I parked my car? Walking toward one of the ten “Main” entrances she drew a breath, “please god let it be out here,” it was dark now and the lot not quite so crowded, she walked into the dark pool of machinery turned right walked a block,no not there, scaning the area to the left no, nothing familiar. “I’m lost, I’m lost!” she said aloud. Suddenly she noticed the sound, the sound of bells? no, but something metallic, jingling keys? keys hitting merrily into each other as one found the ignition and turned on, then the sound of many keys, many cars being started, one after the other, a warm comforting, satisfying sound. Just then a small dark figure, hooded in a dark cloak appeared before her. ”Who? what?” Maria whispered The figure held out a hand ”The Ghost of Christmas Past? you’re a month late!” Maria giggled. The figure tipped it’s head to one side and held out it’s hands. Maria gave one, then the other and closed her eyes. The figure drew her into her cloak and the two became lighter, then buoyant, then UP! Maria was sailing, upward over the parking lot! a cool air in her face , a tangle of cars and lights, neon signs, Hooters’s girls, and road signs beneath her getting smaller and smaller ”Where are we going?” Maria asked but she wasn’t afraid. The figure didn’t answer only looked kindly. the figure’s face was pure white, her golden hair a warm glow Maria felt safe. They came upon a cloud, the usual fluffy, white ethereal type seen in cream cheese commercials. a diaphanous section parted to reveal… “What?! ” Maria exclaimed, “Here! EVEN HERE! A Starbuck’s in the sky? The figure shrugged her shoulders then let Maria down on a divan, soft, warm, white, ringed with pillows. The figure knelt in front of her and looked into her eyes, She spoke! “Talk to me, talk to me like the rain, talk to me like the rain and let me listen… ” (Tennessee Williams)
Maria: Part II
Up in the clouds…. Maria hesitated, coughed, not knowing where to start or why she should tell this cloaked stranger anything anyway, and she was feeling better today so why dredge up all this old stuff, still the stranger went to all this trouble flying her up here and all… Maria:”Nice weather up here, cloudy true, but not damp, you know? A pause ensued, not long enough to be uncomfortable, but not all that short either. Maria: “maybe we should order something… The Stranger’s heart sank, this wasn’t going well, what could she do? what was going wrong? I know, I’m too scary in this cloak, she shrugged it off onto the “floor” they ordered, spoke of things, chatted, yes chattered, teeth, lips, eyes, giggles. The Stranger worried about her hair, and kept putting on lipstick, god I”m a sight today no wonder she can’t tell me, the Stranger thought, I’ll listen I’ll give it time, she wants to tell me, doesn’t she? she said she did? didn’t she? She needs to, doesn’t she? I’ll sit straighter I’ll lean in, but not too close, nod my head to let her know I’m listening, say “oh,” and “mm mm,” and “yeah.” won’t she trust me? can’t she? Time passed the clouds shifted, the light dimmed, Maria paused. the Stranger resisted the urge to fill in the space, and then… Maria spoke, in a new way, she began to truly talk now, finally but wait! something very odd was happening! as Maria spoke pieces of her began to move, tremble and separate. The two noticed but ignored it when Maria’s left eye went first, popped right through her glasses and rolled luxuriously into a cloud and was held suspended in a clump of wisps. Next the painted fingers made a little snap like green beans and flipped through the air landing like a picket fence around the two, then the right arm boing! snapped off! the left made a salute, then also gone! the torso bowed and exited stage right, the guts elegantly spun themselves into a neat pink ball then propelled themselves into a cozy cloud pocket. The brains were the last to go, whirling around as they tended to, they broke apart and whizzed around like cheap fireworks diving in and out of each other hissing, chasing, then poof! they too were gone! All that was left was the heart. Enlarged and exposed like in the pictures of the blessed sacrament dignified, glowing… The Stranger was taken aback Maria’s Heart, talented as it was, spoke laying bare years of pain and uncertainty, and lots of other really cool and juicy stuff too. There it was done…satisfied? Did it help? did she feel better? Now what am I supposed to do? the Stranger thought. Stranger:(Whispering to the Heart) “Are you all right?” Maria’s Heart: “Yeah, I think so, let’s get the check” the Stranger was aghast looking around and indicating the scattered pieces of Maria “But how, what about all of this?” Maria’s Heart, “I don’t know you’re the one who can fly you figure it out!” Stranger:( thinking quick, closing her eyes, prayed) “O my God I’m hardly sorry for having offended thee and I distrust all of my sins because they are just punishment. I firmly resolve with the help of Aunt Grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin!” She opened her eyes to see the parts quivering, but not assembling, The eyes were rolling, the mouth “tsk-ing”, even the thumb and the nose joined into a not so nice gesture. The stranger looked helplessly at Maria’s Heart. Maria’s Heart:”OK everybody back in shape please! line up, or it’s detention!” Instantly they sprang into action and took their places. After all they had been through these things before you know, fifty years brings a lot of experience. Maria, now “normal” and the stranger, well who knows really, flew gracefully through the Bergen county streets. Arriving back at the mall, the Stranger kissed Maria’s cheek and hoped that she had helped her, in some small way at least. But where either were destined to go was a scene for another day.
The Mezza Lezzies’s Philly Adventure
Act I Scene 1
(Note: Interlocutor means emcee and is usually used in Vaudeville, which this is! Also The Audience takes the role of a Greek Chorus) At rise: a placard is seen: “Straightish-Marriedish-Girlies-with-the-QueerEye-Meeting-Tonight! 7:00 ”The Two” appear wearing bags over their heads walking slowly feeling along the walls, holding on to each other, they find a place in the very back, then work themselves in to a corner. Uno:(irritated, almost suffocating) I told you we shouldn’t wear these bags! why didn’t you cut some eyes holes into them at least! god! I can’t see and I can’t breath! Due: No, No, these bags are great! Uno: A CVS bag and a Walgreen’s bag! Jeez! Due: Perfect! the height of anonymity! Uno: But I can’t breath, God! Due: What the hell are you talking about “breathing” we haven’t breathed in years! There’s nothing the matter with these bags, what are they, too low class for you? what would you have had us a wear a Lord And Taylor bag, something more upscale? Nieman Marcus? Whole Foods?? Interlocutor: Excuse me the two women in the back, can you settle down please we’re about to begin. (the entire room turns around to stare at The Two, their faces would have been red had the white plastic not been sucked in and stuck on their faces) Interlocutor: Now we’re going to begin this meeting of the Double-Stuffed-Bi-Queer-Married-Dyke’s- True confessions-CanthisMarriage-be-Saved-Support-Group by going around the room to introduce ourselves! The Two: (grabbing onto each other rushing toward the exit.) Let’s Scram! Interlocutor: Excuse me! You two in the back again? OK, well it’s obvious you’d like to begin. stepforward (“The Two” are struck dumb, motionless) Interlocutor: what genre, gender, sect, subcategory, life style choice, do you represent? Uno: (taking a deep breath, and switching into her cool miss good girl capable mode) “We are the Mezza Lezzies from North Jersey” Interlocutor: Mezza Lezzies? Mezza Lezzies? what’s that? Uno:(pushes Due forward whispering) OK genius you made it up, you explain it! Due: Well we are only like half queer, and maybe not even that, maybe only 60- 40 in favor of the boys, you know, or on the Kinsey Scale from 1 to 6 well maybe only a 3 or 4 Uno: No Way! she’s a three, OK for her, I’m only a 2, 2 1/2 maybe! (an audible groan comes up from the audience) Due: (quicker, but her air is waning) And we’re Italian and married of course, and have two kids and don’t want to leave our comfy beds, but hm….we want… want…. want, want, want, (her bag is out of air she begins to get dizzy and collapse) Interlocutor: Want? What do you Want?! (Uno noticing Due about to faint, rips Due’s bag off.) Due: (gasping falling back into Uno.) SOMETHING! Uno: (under her breath) “Jooche!” Due:(gasping, under her breath to Uno) Take yours off too! Uno: No way, my hair’ll be a mess! Due: Well so is mine, anyway who cares they’re just a bunch of hairy bull dykes anyway! Uno: No, no I thought I saw a couple who were pretty cute Due: Ha! See! you are queerer than me! Interlocutor: What’s going on back there? Messy Lessys please come forward and tell your story (The Two quickly forging in their bags, repair their hair, reappy lipstick, as they make their way down the center aisle) Interlocutor: That’s right, lesbefriends, come on now, nothing to worry about please stand here. Uno: Stand? o no, no, no, we don’t stand. Due: No we can’t stand, only sit on fences and/or fly in the sky. Interlocutor: Nonsense! you’re here so you must stand, what did you come for? uh? So! tell us your story. (the Two stand close, bracing upright against each other, Silence, a pause) Interlocutor: Go ahead Due:(whispering to Maria) You go first, yours is much more interesting, I don’t have a story Interlocutor: What’s that you say, speak up! Due: Ah my story is that I don’t have a story, but she sure does! Uno: (hisses to Due) thanks! I’ll remember this! Interlocutor: fine then dear you begin Uno: Well OK I…I….. I Audience: yi yi! Uno: yeah, I yi, yi! Audience: I yi yi we’ve been there too! Uno: OK. Well a few years ago see there was a neighbor younger than me a very nice girl, she was gay, but i didn”t think much about it, well she we started to pal around, see my husband and I weren’t close any longer, or maybe really ever, but i tried, tried, tried with him and i have the books to prove it, well anyway she and I got tipsy and we kissed Audiences: (reaction of recognition)… “yes we know, yes, etc” Uno: and then we …..well you know Audience: yes we know Uno: and then I cooked Easter dinner, Christ had risen, and so had I, but I was confused, but anyway the confusion left and we fell and love and it was great, only then it wasn’t great, and I disappointed her, I couldn’t or didn’t want to be what she needed so I pulled away and she found someone else and then finally told me and broke my heart, and then I tried to be brave and get over it, but I still felt bad! bad! bad! Aud: yes! yes! yes! Uno: Then one night a cousin of hers came over and wanted to look at the moon and we had a drink and then we… Audience Uh? Uh? UH? Uno: Well I was confused and mixed up and she was SO nice and good looking and I was so alone and….(Uno breaks off) Audience: OOOOOO! Uno: yea, so then she started to feel more for me, and I just started to feel more and more ashamed, and I told my ex and she got really mad, but then seemed to accept it, but her new girlfriend broke up with her and began to live with someone else, so she was broken hearted and living next door, so I kept talking to her, and missing her, and then she was going back maybe with her newer lover, but then not, and we’re paling around again, and then the cousin went to Florida and met some nice new girls, then came back and then they both seemed to be turning from me, which is good I guess, but I’m not sure, because I think I still want to dance with Jenny, or maybe not. (silence. the audience is scattered, some on the floor, some hanging out of their seats, a couple dangling from the lighting fixtures, a few crying, some giggling, some bored.) Interlocutor:(turning to Lucia) Well and how do you fit into this? Due: Me? I don’t, well I listen. Inter: OK so what’s your story Due: What do you mean you’re not out of time? Inter: No, no, we have plenty of time Due:(taking a deep breath) Well first i loved Shari Lewis, I was jealous of Lambchop, I know, I know, that’s really, really bad. But then I loved Smokey the Bear too and he’s manly, so I didn’t think much of it, then i had feelings for my tap teacher, but then also my sixth grade teacher Mr. Antonelli, then about, well 30 people in all, some boys some girls, actually (talking out a paper) the count is 12 girls 17 boys and some of them, most of them fictitious people and just fantasies, so I really didn’t think much about it until the last year or so… Interlocutor: go on Due: there is no more Inter: Your marriage, this is a married women’s group Due: oh yea, I’m married Inter: and… Due: he’s 81 Audience:( waking up) yikes! Due: need I say more? Audience: No! Interlocutor: Well Mousey Loopers, now we know why your here. what is your creed, you mission? Uno: Mission?, ah I don’t know, well let me see, I don’t know, ya know? I don’t know…well like maybe to be honest and fair, and ya know nice, yea and ah, I don’t know, you know? Due: (recognizing the opportunity to spout off, she reapplies her lipstick and stands up on a table) Women! sisters! lift up your heads and rejoice! you’ve given your puss for years to the great proletariat! you have labored under the hairy, square, sweaty hard, demanding hulks. Now the time has come to throw off the shackles that have bound you! You have served your time! you have given, and given and gladly! freely and with joy! but now rise up and break free! Answer to no one! move furniture at will! Stay out late! spend your money the way you want! Leave the world of submission and babymaking, cooking, food shopping, You’ve Done it! It was great! But it has left you! now move on! transform yourselves! live again! breath! Love, dance on tables, kiss girls! Audience: (crowd in a frenzy)Yeah! Just then Helen Reddy steps forward begins to sing: “I’m Mezza Lezzie hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore, and We know too much to go back and pretend. Uno:(to Due) I always knew she was queer! Due: yeah me too! Helen “O yes I am wise but it’s wisdom born of pain yes I’ve paid the price but look how much I’ve gained If I had to I could lick anyone! I’m still Cute! (Cute!) I’m still sexy too! ( sexy too!) I’m a Mezza….(echo:Mezza… Mezza Lezzie!” (Everyone begins to sing along, and march around, The Two are borne up into the air and paraded around, Phil Donahue comes out of retirement to interview them, Barbara Walters admits to being a Mezza, Ophra and Gail too, The Two become motivational speakers, make Cd’s DVDs help raise money for Chanel Thirteen, hang with Chopra and the bald guy, Dr. Phil asks them for advice! Hillary and Angelina offer their tongues to them! Scorsese does a movie about them! Even their husbands, and kids understand and champion their cause. They each find true love and gain a special place forever in the hearts and minds of their people! they have left their mark! They have mattered! They fly to heaven and sit at the right hand of God the Father, nestled sweetly in Mary’s lap. Perfect love at last… and peace. Fini
