(Note from Due: “ML” stands for Mezza Lessa or half lesbian what we joking call each other)
This page is a workbook area based on the book by Joann Fleisher, Living Two Lives. We highly recommend this book for married women who are questioning their sexuality or are in relationships with women. The book is very helpful in acknowledging the various feelings that married women experience when going through this situation.
Respones to the book
Chapter 3
Stage 1 Finding your sexual identity
We both felt that this chapter clarified what we were feeling by actually creating stages of awareness. Although neither one of us are ready to “come out”we have been through the identity crises phase, where we have have recognized the the fact of same sex attraction. that’s stage 1 ok to that much, then
Stage 2. Identity comparison. That is trying to figure out if it’s just a one time or temporary feeling, or are you bisexual or 100% or what? OK so we’re beyond this stage. We figure we are bi sexual.
Stage 3 Identity Tolerance we’ve begun to taking action to meet others and are in counseling too (as well as supporting each other)
Stage 4 Identity Acceptance Well getting there, although what we should ultimatly “do ” about it remainds unclear.
Assignment #1
1. On page #20 the book suggests
“Be, patient, and honor the importance of doing all that is necessary to make these important decisions.”
Patience…an adjective used to describe one of my strongest traits. My family, my co-workers and my friends would be quick to agree that I have the “patience of a saint.” My husband? Probably not so quick. But am I patient with myself? My immediate response is, yes. Perhaps even “too” patient. However, I may be substituting “fence-sitting” for patience. I’ve certainly given myself enough time to think, dissect, and analyze my self ad nauseum. That isn’t patience though, is it? I’m not sure with being patient means in this situation. Perhaps I have not been doing “all that is necessary” in this decision-making process? Then again, I don’t think I’m impulsive either. After all it will be 5 years this April that I took a detour off the traditional life that I was dutifully pursuing. Today, I find myself out of sync, not here or there, merely pretending to be back on track, at least superficially. I want to say that I am calmer, but I wonder if this outward calm is really a cover for acceptance, or merely a front for a deeper feeling of helplessness? Yes, I’m patient to a fault sometimes. Waiting, waiting, waiting for what? A miracle, a revelation, a SIGN! A Hollywood moment in which I’m bathed in lights, and while the rocky them is blaring, I grab a rainbow flag and run up my street and through town naked, exuberantly waving my flag, screaming past my neighbors that I’m gay and I’m damn proud of it! Ok, so maybe I need to learn what being patient with myself means.
2. “What caused me to question my sexuality or my marriage?”
I’ve been questioning my marriage since the night of my wedding day. I cried. I cried because I was afraid. I was wondering if I had done the right thing…leaving my family. After all, I was only twenty-one. Hell of a party though. As for my sexuality, it never really entered my mind until I started getting close with a “real” lesbian. There was something about her that made me curious. Wanting to know more, wanting to be with her and being intrigued by how two women could love each other. Not so much the sex part, but the emotional and passionate love part. Ultimately, when being relaxed enough to enjoy the experience, the bolt of lighting hit me, turned out to be the sheer joy, love and spiritual connection I felt. Something I’d never even come close to feeling ever before in my life.
3. Handling anxiety
- Take paxil
- If at night, take two “Simply Sleep” and go to bed
- Hot bubble bath
- Listen to meditation tracks
- Go for a long walk by the pier
- Go to mom’s or visit my sister
- Watch my favorite tv show that I missed on my computer
- Watch The Secret
- Go to the gym
Brave girl, in a way you’re a surprise, but no…. maybe it’s that you reveal yourself slowly but then, finally, beautifully
your words drop like so many gems upon the blacktop i’m hurrying to pick them up, to honor them, reflect their facets, peer into their depths. I want to return them to you so you can arrange them in a new setting for you,
for today,and for tomorrow.
Remember when you said that 07 was going to be a great year for you? I think so too!
It’s 4 am and I’m propelled out of bed to the screen!
So I’m popping! trying new things and being brave too, and having fun, but scaring myself too!
AND I FELT THE SAME WAY LAST NIGHT! tired! having had a bit too much lezzie type action for one weekend!
So there I was Sat. night on a date and in my own hometown! And with a new mini dress, high black boots, with a higher heel than I’m really used too, and a black push up bra, and my hair wavy innocent, lipsticks in my pockets, the leather jacket Kenny gave me, me striking just the right combination of sweet and tough, my version of sexy. Gee I’m thinking “I’m all that!”
Then yesterday at the party I went to for my friend Frank(”Cheech’s”) 80th brithday. A similar out fit AND the exciting propect of seeing two 100% lezzies in action as Cheech’s daughter is gay and has a girlfriend.
I spot them and observe out of the corner of my eye. both nice looking Italian American girls like us, same age too. Both looked feminine enough, both had suits on,but long hair, not real butch or anything. Deb is Frank’s daugther, and Maria her grilfriend. Well Maria was sitting around me so I actually made myslef make conversation with her. then when we went on she helped me a bit “backstage”. I was charming, I think joking having fun a bit flirtatious maybe. Then the little show which was my birthday surprise for Cheech, I arranged for my dance partner Vinnie, and our accordionist to come and do a few numbers in honor of Frank.
You know me, more alive in front of a crowd then almost any other time, having a great time with everyone, then as Maria helped me I asked her if I could talk to her about something she said sure.
now back in civilian clothes we found an emtpy room, pretty glass enclosed space so I asked her “do you know why I want to talk to you hmmmmm? can you guess?” she said “well maybe. ” So I told her that I was like half queer and was confused, and had very few, (well only one, you!) people to talk to . she understood right away, she was very sweet, I asked her about her relationship with deb, how they met, and how long were they together, she was so nice, she gave me her number and said she would like to talk to me again if I wanted…to “Talk me through it”
As we were going back to the party I asked her “so I’m feminine would you say, I’m fem inine aren’t I?” and she said of course very! and I said oh ok I think so too, but there are these labels aren’t there, or don’t they count? and she said well there were ,like she could be described as a soft butch, but that she was just her, not a label, and sure I said, I totally agree with that.
Anyway the reason why I’m telling you this….well I tell you everything!
but in particular, is that I HAS THIS NEED to tell someone! that I wanted to make contact with someone and not feel so isolated, and yet something else! something else! WHAT!
wanting to belong? wanting to feel less alone? why was it so important for me to tell? why do people want to tell? and agonize over it? I’m private, I don’t like anyone looking up my pussy ever! I hate it when my twin thinks she knows all about me on an intimate level…like when she says I should pray and go to church! that’s my personal business!
But I just had to take the opportunity to make contact with those girls yesterday even on such a tiny level…not running through the neighborhood naked saying “I’m gay so what!” as you mentioned, but exactly the same impulse, and it was a relief, a relief ..remember you said that when you were in love with Jen it was like ….how did you put it? that you were there, and you mattered, and someone was looking at you, just you.
like slaking (?) a plant, a clump of weeds giving a drink to a thirsty forgotten flower… you put it better than that…but that’s what I think it is!
Belonging ,mattering, you, just you, and after a long drought, now filled up and shining, warm in the sun, living, truely alive.
Cara Uno. Uno Cara …my alarm just went off…time to wake up!
Okay, I’m trying to figure this whole blog thing out…Just so you know I’m lovesecret from the Oprah board!!! I finally made it, with the help of my lover!! mmmmmm