I am so totally confused I want to fly away somewhere, fast forward out of this dopey situation, but then I’d still be me, right? I’ll still have the same runaway brain and mixed up heart
I’d like to spin myself with centrifugal force so that all the doubts and questions can fly off me, and I’ll be purified and can begin again.
I know I’m naive, it’s like I came to this realization/awakening, whatever, after having been alone for so long, and that was tough enough. But now to face myself and deal with, dare I say it, being gay, or worse homosexuality, or the worst– Le, Les Lesbi…o can’t write it either….!
And “Coming out?” Ha! ME telling people about my private personal life! What? since when is my pussy public? and who cares really! I don’t care what other people’s thoughts and acts are …please! I don’t want to know, why should I suddenly be in a position to have to blab or confess these sorts of things about myself?
Then at the heart of things for me is navigating in this new life. There are things in life you can control and then there are others you just can’t so you’re left with that and figuring out the difference.
My problem is
a. I have so little in reserve. And
b. I have little experience
Like a truck has hit me. What had begun as fantasy, and progressed to a personal exploration, became forays into a real world; a real world I didn’t anticipate would be fraught with uncertainty, missteps and just plain heartache!
The disproportionate amount of questions, confusion and even heartache to get through to an infinitesimal amount of joy, or even just a little bit of satisfaction, or just plain feeling whole or myself again.
Yea I know it’s all the human condition, we are all alone, and those moments of connection are few and maybe even illusory. heck how many people fall in and out of love so many times and yet each relationship they are convinced that it is for real, and extraordinary…until it’s not.
And sure I know that, yeah, I should know better and not have expectations or hope. yet of course I do I wouldn’t’ be human if I didn’t
And it’s not living unless you do try and make connections…right?
But it’s been a dangerous dance on a tightrope above a nest of snakes. A long time to be suspended on tip toe, exposed and foolish…
Despite my cute costumes, pretty hair, lipstick, the help of a balance stick, witty remarks, I’m teetering, swaying, making a fool of myself, up there alone and about to falter and crash, or leap off of my own volition and end it—go back home where it’s safe. Stop, climb down before I do fall and make a complete spectacle of myself!
“Ladies and gentleman, in the center ring…announcing …for your delight or disgust, for a laugh or derision, a snicker or a smile— a dyke, lezzie, lesbo, one of “them” queers…
Me?
