“Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes!”

Changes I Have Made This Year….

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear….

Or when the teacher is ready the student will appear….

Or sometimes you teach yourself!”

So!  Talk about transitions and changes, then giving things time, or making things happen, then again going “within” not to mention: coming out!  Yikes! What a year…

.and now a feeling of suspension…as it I’ve done all of this stuff…some significant some minute, some successful, some…well, less than. AND STILL this NEW LIFE does not appear!

     I sank into the pity pit last week…thinking it may partially be hormonal as I’ve skipped my period this month and of course I am around the time for THE CHANGE…anyway I felt off balance and down, but the difference was there was no clear reason—or was it just hormonal… feel any different today? yes, but that’s cause I’m at work and my mind is basically engaged….well anyway when I expressed this feeling of ennui to Uno she made a list for me of all that I’ve accomplished this year and actually I was working on a list of my own so here it is

 1.Acknowledged to myself, that I’m bi sexual and interested in someday meeting a nice woman

2. Told my immediate family

3.Made a real friend (Uno)

4.Broken away from h and not feeling guilty or sorry for him

5. Gone “with in” (exploring a more spiritual side)

6. Experienced intimacy with a woman…nice, but I wish I was in love!

7. Made love to another woman who I think I could have loved but things went haywire!

8. Changed therapists from someone who seemed to disapprove of me to someone who understands…has been there and helps me to move forward

9.Gone dancing!!!! A Few TIMES!

10. Walk dogs three times a day all the way around the block, instead of just letting them out the back door into the yard.

11. Made important adjustment in my routine: one of the reasons I was always late for work is because I’m fixing my hair!…now I wake up and shower and dress first, then have coffee and walk the dogs…I know it’s boring but it is a big thing for me get together.

12. Take an  afternoon break, a “napitate” (half meditation, half nap) in afternoon to wind down from the day and reflect.

13.Cooking dinner.  I’ve been the typical mom cooking every night providing all the meals for my two kids, my sister, her baby and my h., (and dogs!)  In the past couple of years people are not often  satisfied, “this again” “it doesn’t taste like last time”  “you made too much”  “you didn’t make enough” “I’m not hungry” or they’re not home to eat…all this complaining and I’m literally cooking and crying.  So I decided not to cook anymore…or just a couple of times a week. They can order out, or cook for themselves!

14.Break a bit from the kids; not to take on their stuff and say yes to everything.

15. Exercising walking 2-4 miles most nights and 50 sit ups 50 leg crosses and a bunch of arm things.

  16. Being good to myself i.e. not scaring myself as much trying not to project disaster like worry about falling apart if certain things may not go my way, take things more in stride, give myself a break!

17.I have my own bedroom decorated the way I want, new floor, new color, new bed!

18.Have a new studio! (H’s old one!)

19.Facing things in a timelier manner…not procrastinating on things that mean a lot to me…I’m not there yet on this, but I am definetly better

20.Seeking out “teachers” writers and speakers that I can learn from who can help me to focus and hopefuly bring more clairty to my life.

  

To work on:

1. All of the above keep up and get better at.

2.  Resist blaming myself when things go wrong…even in personal relationships…I always think that things are my fault

3. Get over being such a baby about getting close to people…for instance everything is such a big deal to me…even a casual date…oh I’m always thinking this is it!  and if/when it’s not I’m really disappointed like the universe is against me and sending me unattractive people to torture me, and I’ll never find anyone nice!

4. Sex: not to make SUCH a big deal about that either…I’m such a dope about this too; thinking I don’t know what do, and the feeling that I’m…. how can I put it??? The feeling that I’m being untrue to myself by giving myself to someone  “in that way” and have it maybe not be forever…I know, I know…. I’m the last person in the world to continue to feel this way about sex! Which leads me to

5.  Change my attitude about experience…my therapist says over and over that “You’re very young, young in the world of L, young in the world of dating, young in the world period..”  Well she’s talking about experience!  I have so little! Truly I’m like one of the kids I teach! Only even most of them have more experience than I do!

6. Somehow I’ve got to do better getting myself to do things the optional stuff… like well anything other than going to work and walking the dogs…sometimes I get so scared I get tired, then retreat and of course then I don’t do the things I like to do so feel worse, or let things go and get into more trouble UGH!

 OK that’s about it…

Changes
David Bowie

“I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I’m going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time ”

Bowie