OK I just wanted to see for myself so last night I took the journal Tom’s always writing in and began to read it! He leaves it in the kitchen, so I can’t imagine he thinks it all that secret. Anyway I started to read…sounds just like him, the same tired literary references I’ve heard him make for 30 years…blah blah blah! He’s so obtuse…so egotistical! Yuk! the whole thing! just pointless…”she”( me ) does this, says that, looked like this. creepy to see yourself written up like this. But the majority of it is complimentary about me, and really so much about how much he loves me…
it’s a game to him, a contest as always, and I’m some sort of the prize. So kind of face saving for him as he feels rejected at this stage in his life…that he’ll have to live out the rest of his days as a cuckold and to a woman at that! Or the HE the GREAT ONE will have failed, will die alone and not with a pictueque family surrounding his grave mourning him….and I have to be sacrificed for that? Sacrificed as I’ve been for so many years…
he brings up my siblings as life failures all of them…my bother who lives with my mother, after a failed young marriage, my twin who had a bad marriage and my sister who has never had any kind of a relationship…she has a major mental illness for goodness sake!
But me in contrast, BECAUSE of HIM, I have lived a successful life, nice home, children, husband and even now he actually lists all the stuff he’s done for me…even up to buying me a new car, and making much needed improvements on the house this summer…as if I don’t get up every day at 6 to go to work!
I don’t know it gave me such an uneasy feeling reading this…who’s he writing it for anyway? Well why to I write this? for Uno and for me to work things out, helps to write it down…suspose it’s the same for him.
What really rankled me was a few quotes from allies of his…a Polish woman he’s know for years, I suspected an affair between them years ago, he insisted it wasn’t so, but anyway she came to see him in a play he did this past winter when things started happening…she has befriended him again, and is telling him to move out to “drop” me, walk away…and his oldest son, who never liked me from the start…don’t know why…well he was 10 or so and I was only 18 myself…anyway he is a pedantic fool a PhD school psychologist know it all.
Anyway he is also advising my husband and made a crack to him that he thinks I’m the most insecure person he’s ever met! Ha! how would he know what goes on inside of me when he never let down his resentment of me as a stepmother figure, to have a decent conversation with me.
Weird,the whole thing, just strange…page after page of my husband salivating over me and obsessively “in love” with me, like a teenager!….afterall all these years? I’m a convenience! that’s what I am, I cook, and clean, and make conversation and take care of the kids and bring money in…and on some level he is proud to have a much younger wife…gives him some sort of status…even though I’m not so young anymore.
Well now I want to read the rest apparently there is a book 1 in this saga, who knows how people will react to things? I’d have never guessed he would behave this way…
