DAH another Dah moment! but a great DAH!!!
See I’ve been investigating myself…. how to put it? hmmmmm….well delving more completely into what makes me up so that I can A. feel more contented with all I have(and I have A LOT!) and B. Live my life more effectively, as a person, mother, performer, friend, lover etc.
I’m mostly ok, but then i get down it’s seriously down! I fainted at my job last week had to be taken to the emergecy room…then fell under the dining room table the other night in reaction to some bad behavior on the part of my husband, then even last night just because of one smallish thing I crumbled. tried SO HARD NOT TO! and tried to keep a posiitive attitude, tried to have pateiince, and to trust in the world, yet I was shook, and this after having an outstanding day…willing myself to accomplish things and then getting such positve feedback when I did! But THEN! Well I didn’t crumble as completely as before so maybe that’s a good sign. I didn’t “fall down” just cried a bit then hooked up my pup to his leash,stuck ipod in my ears and took a long walk.
but this is the DAH! I’ve realized that I let other people have control over what I’m feeling. If I don’t get the response that i think i need from them and pretty much at the time I think i need it then CRASH I’m done! scared! hopeless! a wreck!
This is all so childish and so self defeating really it’s so time to let it GO!!!! I want t it to GO!!!! I’m not a candel in the wind! I’m a substantial grown up person with many talents and gifts, I don’t have to hang onto anyone’s word or estimation of my worthiness… why do I give others that power over me? DAH! they don’t want it anyway, and it’s getting in my way so much!
SI! I know that it all stems from my childhood…ok I understand, I accept it, but I want to move on!!!! have got to! it time OVERTIME!!
And joouch that i am it’s simply about loving yourself, as much as i hate to put it that way! it’s so touchly feely and embarassing and weak sounding but i think it’s so!
these past few weeks at school my assisiant teacher, a wonderful older balck woman, real “church lady”, and I have been singing “The Greatest Love” the old Whitney Huston hit. the music teacher had one of the kids do a solo so it has been in the air… anyway comes a time when things were tense in the classroom…ok about hunred times a day….well she’d start singing and I’d join in:
” I beleive the children are our future give them love and help them find a way show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride to make it easier let the children’s laughter remind you how it used to be. I decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow, if I fail if I suceed at least I lived as I believe, no matter what they take from me they can’t take away my dignity because the greates love of all is happening to me, learning to love yourself is the the greatest love of all ”
So loving yourself…I’ve always felt that was bull, and self indulgent and conceited and sloppy, but really god, the universe who/whatever wants us to be contented/happy and provides all the good stuuf, and here we (me) are discounting and ignoring the very first thing…loving or respecting or whatever you want to call it, yourself! all flows from there if you don’t have that you really don’t have much and everything that follows gets distorted and screwed up and you’re miserable!
the favorite part of the song for me is:
“and if by chance that special place that you’ve been dreaming of leads you to a lonely place fill your heart with love!”
yeah, sometimes it’s lonley it has been lonley for years but I’m waking up and living again, or maybe for the first time!
so it’s simple– love yourself, recognize your goodness, and be grateful for all of your gifts and keep moving….I can do that!
