More questions/Different kind

    Seems like I have my first “girlfriend”  a lively, intelligent person I had the good luck to contact via an Internet site.  we met just two weeks ago after emailing a bit and talking on the phone.  we had dinner and she was right away…well.. interested in me.  Flirting with me, but in a kind way.  Dope that i am I couldn’t really tell if she was just “coming on” to me or what.  Having next to no experience with dating I had all i could do to just relax, and try to enjoy this new experience.  On the other hand I was suspicious, just like I’d be with a man if I thought he was giving me a “line,” or someone was trying to “get me” but anyway after a glass and a half of wine I did relax and start to have fun.

     There was something so freeing about it…and I felt more “me” than usual,  or it was just nice that someone was paying attention to just me, maybe that was it.  I don’t usually have someone to talk to (except Uno), and again it’s a powerful situation when you have someone who “knows” about you and you can really be yourself   Is that why gays struggle so much with “coming out” and being accepted?   I suppose so, after-all we are pack animals and have a primal need to fit in and be a part of a group.   Circling around things by yourself you really feel alienated…hmmmm  guess that’s why these yearning have cropped up at this time, a person can only “live alone” for so long. 

     For years I’ve half joked with my husband saying; “Living with you is like living alone”   He remembered that the other day, and instead of laughing about it,( being somewhat proud of it, as he had been ) he has reconsidered and realized that his distant behavior hasn’t helped what has transpired between us.

    I think I’ve always tried to tell him, let him know how I was feeling and what I thought was happening between us and the impact on our family, but he never would listen, always denying any responsibility, and pushing things off onto me.

      But  now of course come the other issues;  what about my husband who is understanding, but very emotional and trying to “win me back”  he is very affectionate and wants to sleep with me frequently, (after ten years!) The times lately when we have been intimate he says have been the best experiences of his life (!) don’t know what to think about that! I think it’s interesting to make love to him again, but absolutely need to get pretty high, 2 glasses of wine at least.  It’s not satisfying sex, it never was too much with him…  when I kiss him he is so rough and he is all about penetration, and not loving and sweet and sexy like being with my girlfriend. 

     I feel like I have to do it with him though so he understands that I still love him and value our relationship and want to keep the marriage together.   I’m hoping he’ll get over this renewed interest in sex with me so I don’t feel so confused.  Here I am just getting used to intimacy with a woman and then to be intimate with him also right now…I don’t know what to think except that, well what do i expect, after all this is something that I initiated and must see through despite misgivings and awkwardness and doubts.

    Life doesn’t just stop, even when you’ve been brave to make a decision or reconcile something.  things keep occuring, changing, shifting…just more questions different kind  But at least I’m living in the real world and that seems so good.