Looking back on this “Journey” I can see that there were definite stages, or steps. First of all was an unconscious phase, thoughts and fantasies that began to crop up about two years ago. I’d been very involved in lots of projects, creative ones, as well as my children, home, and my second career as a teacher. I was dedicated to all my activities, obviously enjoyed some more than others, but something must have changed…something that allowed these thoughts and fantasies in.
Hmmmmm…..children getting older, I’m sure that was part of it, although I’ve never been the type of “great supermom.” I’ve always led my own life as well as mothering, but I was a pretty good mother, I think. I did manage to always fit everything in. But the kids were ten and thirteen now…more on their own and into their own social lives. Also they were finally out of my bed! For years they slept with me and my husband, although for the past 7 years or so my husband took the guest room as he is older and restless and didn’t appreciate that i left the lights and TV on all night to keep away the boogie man!
So I was suddenly alone all night! I was very happy about it! I felt relieved and free! A whole king sized bed to myself, can do what i wanted in my own room, that was wonderful!
About this time I caught an old movie that starred one of the actresses that i had a major “crush” on when i was a child, or teenager. She was so beautiful and pure, intelligent, sexy in an very understated way, maternal even. It brought back so many thoughts about how i lived my adolescence mostly in fantasy. I used to make up “stories” in my head about well me, or me as a character, doing things, living another kind of life, different time periods, different settings, various story-lines. The inspiration for these were sometimes books, or plays but must often films, usually old movies. I felt that these movies belonged to me in a way, as very few kids, (or any!) were interested in them, so they were like all mine. It was my personal world, which led me out of my real world which was just too boring for me. Also as I’ve said, I wasn’t much interested in the popular culture of my peers, I thought it vulgar and crude and mostly dumb…on the other hand of course I so badly wanted to fit in too! Well that’s adolescence for you!
Anyway these “Stories” consumed most of my waking hours. I’d sit in class and just zone out. Once I remember Mrs. Dartnell, our English teacher, putting her fingers in her mouth to whistle really loudly right up close into my ear. I turned to her in utter shock at the sound and the whole class burst into laughter. Apparently she’s been calling on me for a while and I wasn’t responding so she resorted to the whistle! It actually took me a few seconds to figure out what was happening. I was deep into my Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire phase when i used to choreograph dances in my head, so that’s where I was on a soundstage, at a film studio, circa 1937!
I lived this way until I met my husband when I was 19, he was a professor, a guest artist at a college i was attending. “Boing!” Love at first sight! that was it! despite the 30 plus, year age difference! (But that’s another story!)
Around November 06, I guess, I just plain wanted to see if this was real for me so instead of just seeking advice from people around the country via the Internet, I tried to search for someone in my area. A real person to talk to. In particular I wanted to meet someone like me, married, or had been married, with children, similar background, age, that sort of thing. I knew that it might be difficult, probably, for a real 100% lesbian, to understand me, although I didn’t exactly rule that out. But I simply wanted to meet someone face to face!
While searching on the Curve personals site I came across a person who’s profile name was in Italian. She was also married, bi sexual, the same age as me, and, as she put it “in transition.” This mysterious person became my friend Uno! We have so much in common, and help each other with our lives. this is important as neither of us has anyone to really talk to. She has one friend that “knows” and I have my therapist, but since we are going through much of the same stuff it’s very powerful to share it with each other. The majority of our communication is via email, and we just naturally began to write long narratives of our experiences , as well as prose, sketchs and stories to express ourselves. Uno, being a techno genius, decided that his blog format would be good for us so here we are.
A friend to journey with….another “proof of heaven, while you’e living”
Mille grazie mia amica!
Due
