Well in the Book that Uno and I have been reading about girls like us it says that we may go through a second adolescence, a time of mixed emotions, and experimentation, as we search to become accepting of our sexual identity. The thought of going through anything as depressing and volatile as my own adolescence again is absolutely NO! I can’t go though any of that again. I was so alone and so confused for so much of that time! I lived almost totally in a fantasy world, of course I went through the motions of everyday life, and was always involved with creative activities, most of which I devised myself and was the leader. I had friends, but never felt part of the group. In high school I actually used to think that everyone else was speaking another language to each other. Once I actually walked up close to some kids to try to overhear what they were saying just to catch a snippet to see if it was a different language!
I just didn’t get it! and more than that I wasn’t much interested really as the things that most kids thought were fun I didn’t like. I always went my own way, which was right for me, but there was a price to pay.
On the other hand I was often the life of the party around older people and sought attention from them. As a kid I would go over my firend’s house and entertain her relaives just by being funny about whatever came up. They used to call me” a regular little Lucille Ball.”
but around people my own age, it was a struggle.
ok that said…I’m thinking, yeah in the past couple of weeks I’ve been “dating” women I’ve met on the Internet. One was totally boring and not at all right for me. the other I’ve been on three dates with. she is spirited, nice, and very into me. which I admit I enjoy. She’s sensual and opened so it’s easy to be the same with her. I, me! Due! actually had the nerve to tell her to kiss me on our first date! then on the second we danced and kissed, in public, all night! Yesterday was our third meeting, at her house, and again I initiated, pretty much, the physical contact which was even more intimate…(but not all the way!)
whew! this is all so odd to me. acting this way, and of course do it with a woman! touching a woman and letting myself be touched…. do I like it? well yes mostly, but I could cry because I don’t really feel anything for this nice lady! And I’m conscious of the fact that I may be using her to “find out” about myself, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. as it seems to me that she really likes me, and I’m not at all sure what I feel about her.
So is that what dating is? I have zero experience with it. I met my husband when I was a teenager, so up until this woman he’s the only other person I’d even kissed! yeah I know I’m an unusual case!
It’ not that I feel like a tart or something,(well a little tartish), it’s just that instead of forging a connection I feel more LOST!
Well this is how I feel at this point, and I know I should just take it easy and one day at a time and all. … ok that’s what I’ll do.
Ok think I can go back to bed now.
Ahh….cara, my adolescence was okay really… I wasn’t one of the “popular” girls since I didn’t have the right clothes and I wasn’t a cheerleader. I was the girl who worked in the library and hung out with the “nerdy” guys and not so gorgeous girls. All in all though, it wasn’t horrible. Somehow I managed to live in my little clique but be liked by the “cool” boys too. I don’t think the pretty girls like that too much. Anyway, so strange at this stage of life to be experiencing all this uncertainty. I never expected to have life all figured out by now, but really… do we need a whole new set of heart wrenching questions to explore?? But wait! Isn’t that what living is all about? Being present and in the moment? Being awake and learning? The alternative is to be on autopilot–yes it is a calmer existance, but not for us! We want to live and learn and experience!! Ha